


To which you cannot return

by MeadowHayle



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Break Up, Depression, F/M, Fluff, HEA, Happy Ending, Mental Health Issues, No Pregnancy, One Shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-14
Updated: 2020-08-14
Packaged: 2021-03-05 23:41:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,474
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25893817
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MeadowHayle/pseuds/MeadowHayle
Summary: This is based on a prompt by @galacticidiots and a picture set by @MoonStreet6. I hope you enjoy this little story.“We’ll paint it pink.”“Pink?”“It’ll have a porch and a swing.” She kisses him. “And we’ll live happily ever after.”That was five years ago. Before she left.
Relationships: Kylo Ren/Rey, Rey & Ben Solo | Kylo Ren, Rey/Ben Solo, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 31
Kudos: 148
Collections: Galactic Idiots Collection, Reylo Prompt Fills (@reylo_prompts)





	To which you cannot return

**Author's Note:**

  * For [BensCalligraphySet](https://archiveofourown.org/users/BensCalligraphySet/gifts), [geekyduncan (MoonStreet)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/MoonStreet/gifts).



The house is old fashioned. Swirls and hearts decorate it and even though the white paint is splattering in some places and it needs a bit of love, Ben can see the potential. He is not as ecstatic as Rey though, who grins from ear to ear when she makes her way back to him and clutches his arm tightly.

“We’ll paint it pink.”

“Pink?”

She nods absentmindedly, still glancing at the house and Ben takes the time to admire the little stray hairs falling out of her bun. He had offered to braid it for her, but she had insisted that there is no need.

“It’ll have a porch and a swing.” She kisses him on the cheek and he feels himself blush. It’s still fresh between them, but he loves her and he wants to make her happy.

After all she is the only thing that makes him happy.

“And we’ll live happily ever after,” she adds and sounds so sure of it, that Ben believes her. He clutches her tightly against him and she giggles with delight.

A week later she disappears.

He doesn’t cry.

Crying would require emotions and Ben feels void of them. The numbness is familiar. It greets him like an old friend and he doesn’t even hate it, simply accepts his fate.

Life is a circle.

Eat, Sleep, Repeat.

It’s even worse than it used to be. He starts visiting his therapist more religiously again and drives through the city looking for Rey. He sees her everywhere and nowhere. He sees happy couples and families and thinks about how this could be them if she hadn’t left him.

One evening he drives to her flat and finds it completely empty.

What he regrets even more than her leaving him is that he doesn’t know why.

Of course he must have been the problem, but it would have been good for his sanity to know.

His therapist says that that is bullshit. That he is too hard on himself. Logically Ben knows he is right. But he has never loved himself and he won’t start now.

He only blames himself for his loss.

The darkness nearly swallows him completely, but he is able to get out of bed and do the stuff that needs to be done. His therapist calls it a moderate depression. Ben calls it normality.

It takes years for him to realize that Rey’s behaviour was unfair. That he is not a bad guy and that she shouldn’t have left without a word.

Life is still a circle.

His week consists of the same schedule every day. He wakes up, goes for a run, showers, eats breakfast, goes to work, leaves work, eats dinner, reads before bedtime and falls asleep.

Against the recommendations of his therapist there is a framed picture of Rey on his nightstand.

He can’t seem to let her go.

In August, he remembers it so vividly because it was the three-year anniversary of Rey’s disappearance, there is a postcard in his mailbox. It’s empty except for his address, neatly written and the stamp and postmark. Confused he turns it around. The other side shows a quote.

**hiraeth**

**(n.) a homesickness for a home to which you cannot return, a home which maybe never was; the nostalgia, the yearning, the grief for the lost places of your past.**

Speechless he stares and reads it again and again. He can’t fall asleep that night.

The postcard joins Rey’s picture.

A week later he drives by the house they looked at. It’s purely by accident. At least that is what he tells himself. The “for sale” sign is standing in front of the lawn again, at a different place than it used to.

Maybe it’s fate, maybe it’s coincidence. Ben stops the car and asks for a viewing.

Two weeks later he buys the house.

It’s a lot of work to renovate it. He might have underestimated the effort one has to put into it. Reluctantly he asks his dad and Chewie for help.

It takes them two month to finish everything. Ben takes time off from work. He spends every day working on it. When he buys the new colour for the outside his dad raises an eyebrow at him, but doesn’t commentate on his choice.

Ben is grateful that he keeps his mouth shut for once. He doesn’t want to explain to him why he paints his house pink. It’s none of his business anyway.

The interior isn’t really on point. He had always hoped Rey would be interested in bringing style to their home. Now he has to do it on his own. He likes the garden though. There are some pretty begonias and sunflowers he planted and he even installed the swing she asked for. In the evening he sits down on it and sips on his lemon water. He feels more accomplished than ever before.

It’s a year later that he sees her again. At first he doesn’t trust his eyes. He tells himself that the woman exiting the car just looks slightly like Rey, but as she turns to face him, he freezes.

It is her.

She looks different.

Her hair is shorter, but it suits her. She is wearing a yellow shirt with a watermelon print and green shorts. Her eyes are hopeful as she walks towards him, arms wrapped around her body as though she is bracing herself.

She stops right in front of him at the stairs to the porch. Neither of them says anything. Both of them stare.

Ben feels something bubbling inside him. He realizes it’s hope and he is so desperate he is nearly chocking on it.

“You did it,” she finally whispers.

He frowns at her words, but she motions to the house. “Pink.”

Silently he nods, a blush rising to his cheeks. Was it silly of him to paint the house in a colour his ex wanted him to? Probably. She must think so lowly of him.

“It’s beautiful.” She sniffs a little and he realizes she is crying.

“Where have you been?” The words tumble out of his mouth before he can control them, but at the same time he is glad. He needs to know. There has to be a reason.

“Witness protection,” Rey murmurs suddenly and he isn’t sure if he heard her correctly.

“Did you just say-“

“Witness protection, yes.” She huffs and wipes at her face. “Plutt found me. They had to be quick and I wasn’t allowed to contact you. I asked them to at least tell you, but they wouldn’t. I’m so sorry, Ben.”

More tears roll down her face, wetting her t-shirt. He knows about Plutt and her shady past. She told him shortly after they met.

He realizes he is angry when his fingers start to hurt from the pressure he uses to ball them together. Why didn’t he think of this possibility?

“Did you get my card?” she asks suddenly and Ben needs a moment before he remembers the postcard he has neatly framed next to Rey’s out-dated picture.

“I did.”

She hums lightly, gaze shifting to the floor. Her next words are so soft he barely hears them. “And is it?”

He frowns as he takes her in. She is still looking at her shoes, as though she is afraid to face him. “Is it what?”

A shaky breath is released.

“Is it a home I cannot return to?”

Something inside him breaks, because he realizes that she did not want to leave him, that she regrets the way they parted just as much as he does. And he can’t even think of a fitting answer, so he simply grabs her shoulders and pulls her into a hug.

It’s feels better to have her in his arms again than he imagined. She smells the same and her hair is just as soft and… she is sobbing. Clutching him just as tightly she cries against his chest.

He lets her.

When he starts stroking her hair after a minute or two she visibly calms and tries talking, but her tears make it harder for her.

“I’m so sorry, Ben,” she chokes out and sniffles. “I love you. I didn’t want to leave.”

He pulls back slightly and kisses her forehead. “I love you, too.”

A hopeful smile appears on her face and she looks up at him, while wiping at her face.

“You can always return to this home. I renovated it for you. I even bought a swin-“ She doesn’t let him finish his sentence. Instead she pulls him down to press her lips against his.

He has to admit he missed this most.

When she lets him go again there is a bright smile on her face and she is shaking her head slowly.

“I meant you, Ben.”


End file.
